The Worst Wedding I ever DJ-ed

I realize it’s probably not very professional of me to publicly write about this. I also realize that this is an absolutely ridiculous story and it needs to be shared. If you’re growing more and more anxious about what could go wrong at your wedding, I highly recommend giving this a quick read and trying to remember that it could always be worse.

THE CEREMONY

It was a picturesque day outside, perfect for the barn wedding venue. The bride looked stunning, the groom looked dapper and everyone was ready to get married. The ceremony went off without a hitch. The bride and groom were holding back the tears as they exchanged their heartfelt vows. They both recited “I do” with excitement and love. The officiant announced them husband and wife and the crowd roared with applause as the newlyweds kissed emphatically.

DINNER

Before I go on, it’s important to note that I was in a separate room than the guests. I could not actually see anyone while I was MCing the evening. You’ll understand why this is important in a minute.

At this point in the evening, people had really gotten their money’s worth from the cocktail hour. The groom and his groomsmen were drinking Jäger like it was water. Nonetheless, the introductions went smoothly all things considered and the bride gave a lovely welcome speech. Then it was time for the best man’s toast.

Evidently, the groom was a police officer and his best man was his police partner. With strong liquid confidence, he crumpled the paper in his hand with his speech and decided to ad-lib a story about him and the groom. I won’t get in to all the details for obvious reasons but the theme of the speech was that he and the groom framed an innocent man for murder because they “knew he was a thug.” I was shocked.

Now since I could not physically see anyone, I had no idea how people were reacting. The venue staff were all telling me to do something. The videographer was asking me if we’re obligated to tell someone. I was just trying to get the hell out of this situation. I decided the best thing to do was to mute the best man’s microphone and move on. Once I did that, I heard the crowd at dinner start to boo me because they wanted to hear the rest of the story. “Let him speak! Let him speak!” A man was laughing about committing a heinous crime yet I became the bad guy in the room. Perks of the job I suppose!

DANCING

Somehow I escaped dinner with only one person spitting on me (yes, that actually happened). I thought to myself, “Let’s just get through dancing and we’ll figure out what to do with this recorded confession tomorrow.” At this point in the night, the Jäger was really starting to catch up with some people, especially the groom. At around 11:00 pm, he came up to my booth and commanded that I only play the dirtiest 90s rap songs I could find. I happily obliged.

At around 11:30 pm, I play the song, ‘Shake Ya Ass’ by Mystikal. The groom lost his mind, he was so excited. At this point, his shirt had been torn off and he was wearing his tie as a headband. He violently stumbled his way over to his bride’s MOTHER. He picked her up and proceeded to make-out with her even more passionately than when he kissed his bride at the ceremony. Folks, I couldn’t make this up if I tried.

The bride walked in the room, dropped her wine glass and proceeded to scream at a deafening level. She started hitting her groom as hard as she could. I of course turned the music off. The bride was hysterically sobbing as anyone would and the groom’s response was, “I thought your mom was you.” So many thoughts were running in my head. I first wanted to start a Jerry Springer chant. Then I wondered if Hallmark has any cards that are in the “Sorry, I thought your mom was you” category. I wisely said nothing and instead closed the dance floor down and packed my things.

THE NEXT DAY

I woke up the next day and remembered the videographer and I had evidence corroborating a framing for murder. I reached out to the videographer and we decided to anonymously report it. Later that afternoon, my phone pinged and I saw that someone had filled out a review on my satisfaction survey. To my horror, I it was the bride from last night.

The review read:

“Pete was so good that we got divorced the next day.”